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That Was Then...

Today's blog is an attempt at a personal breakthrough. I've mentioned previously that clinical depression is a subject very close to my heart. Right now, as I write this blog, I'm feeling a bit down. Not because anything's happened. No, just feeling down, with the accompanying lump in the throat, I don't know why that happens but it does, the lump stays there, uncomfortable and almost painful.

I know what you might be thinking, a bit down, we all do from time to time, so what's special about your feeling down? Come on, get over it? Just think positively, say a few affirmations/confessions and all will be well. I'm afraid to disappoint you, I know how valuable I am to my family and others, I know God made me fearfully and wonderfully,  believe it or not, I'm trying really hard to think positive. The lump just seems to grow bigger, the mood darker. Like I'm fighting myself.

The difference between what I'm feeling and what everybody else might feel on their 'down' day is they may actually think themselves out of it, they probably have a reason for their down, someone DID or SAID something to get them feeling that way. But I just simply went into this 'mood' if you want to call it that. All by myself.

A few years ago before I knew what it was, this slight mood change would probably have led to  the start of a  downward spiral into a really dark place, truly resenting everyone and everything around me. I would start thinking about how things are looking so bad in my life. How I have failed myself and others. And yes, I mean, is it really worth it? This life thing, I mean.

That might sound just like some sort of emotional weakness or imbalance. Some people can just sleep it off and wake up feeling a whole lot better. You may even give yourself a little pep talk, one or two affirmations and you're on your way. Back to your good old self. Well, not me. Or anyone suffering from clinical depression for that matter.  If I attempted to sleep it off, I'd wake up where I was or even worse.

Just opening your eyes causes you to regret the day before it even starts. The heaviness becomes physical. It takes a real effort to be pleasant to anyone, even your wife and kids, my reasons for being alive. In fact, let me just wait till they've left for school before venturing out of the bedroom. The shoulders feel heavy, so you feel slumped and in your attempt not to give your mood away you make a real effort to not look hunched or defeated, and a sense of fear about anything you do or think of prevails. But you try, a joke on the car radio might elicit a little laugh from you. And do you  notice how everybody just wants to cut in front of you in the traffic, I mean really now?

Someone's indicating to change lanes just a little ahead of you. Indicate all you like but  I'm not giving way, no, never! Oops, I didn't say my morning prayers, maybe that's why. What difference will it make anyway, I'm so far down the road a prayer won't make a difference, I mean I  just swore back at that terrible driver a few seconds ago, I cannot be talking to God in the same breath. So no, I won't pray, not right now. Let me just get through this horrible day, maybe a little TV in the evening will do the trick, a soccer game maybe, yeah, that's a good idea, only, I have these twelve hours to kill before then. Why do I feel so afraid?

Everyone one at work is just on my case. Why won't people just do simple logical things, what's wrong with everybody today ? "You look so sad today, you stressed?", somebody asks with a little chuckle. "None of your business!" I retort,though I don't say it out loud. "Ag, just a little headache", I lie without flinching. Stress? What does he know about stress, the next person to say that to me is gonna get it, I swear. "Why are you so slow in serving us, don't you know about customer service?" says some gum-chewing, headphone wearing,  little teenager who's just discovered all about "my rights".  No you didn't just say that, No. Before you know it it's a screaming match, you are aware you are overreacting but you feel justified, she started this after all. What a nerve! And it's only nine o'clock in the morning.

You know what, that's it, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do today! I'm not. Trouble is, there is nothing you want to do. Nothing! Won't the day just end already. I hope I'll be able to watch the game in peace today, I mean it's the Champion's League final. They don't come any bigger than this but I have this feeling of fear that won't go away, even my gut feels upset, and this lump, this damn lump in my throat won't go away. Maybe some gospel music will lift me, if I could just get a little lift. But what, I don't drink anymore so what now! At least I made it home.

"We need to talk", she says in a playful way, unaware of the turbulence that you've had to keep a lid on the whole day. Your little piece of salvation is TV and now this! The Champions League final gets underway in three minutes, you just nod and nod and agree to make it all go away. I'm missing the game, what have I done to anybody, someone please tell me! My team's losing already, see if only I had watched the first half, like that would have made a difference!

Take those feelings and multiply them by a week, two weeks, a month, add regret about perceived past failures, financial instability and failing to connect spiritually. That's what it used to be like.

BUT THAT WAS THEN...

Now I know the lump in my throat signals a mood change for the negative. I listen out or look out for possible triggers. Am I anxious about my child, am I worried about slow business? What exactly is causing this? Half the time I can't pinpoint the trigger. But Now I  know, it's not who I am, it's simply a mood change. The fear is a result of that change in my body and mind, have I taken my little pills? I have, ok, this isn't the end of the road.

I don't need to listen to the radio when I drive home tonight, that kind of bad news I cannot handle, how about a Crefflo Dollar or Joyce Meyer podcast. That sounds ok. Oh, and because I know it's not me, I don't have to worry about the future or tomorrow. My mood tomorrow will probably be different, if it persists I'll see if I can't call a friend. Yes, that's a brilliant idea. In fact how about a run, damn I'm already looking forward to this evening, the TV can wait, I want to pound that tarred road, and I'm looking forward to reading that new book I bought... I can also spend a few minutes catching up with friends on Facebook.

And if that doesn't work I'll ask my clinical psychologist why, she just seems to have it all figured out, or at least she helps me figure it all out. She helps me to live. Yes, I'll ask her why when I see her, but I may already be ok and writing about it before I see her. I need my church cell group so much, to hear the Word. Oh, I've been asked to share the Word, my cell group leader thinks I can share. Isn't God wonderful? I see a broken me and he sees an instrument he can use. I'm looking forward to more of this, when I share, there's this confidence that I know doesn't come from me, but it's there, it makes me feel like I'm not a depression sufferer, no I'm not, I'm a survivor. I've survived it and lived to tell the story, and so can you.

And my personal breakthrough? Did I achieve it? I would like to think so. I just wrote a blog when every inch of me screamed No you can't do it. I've  never done it before, writing when I'm down, but I've done it now.  Hopefully my run this evening and some Word will set me right. I look forward to tomorrow.

There is a "shame" that comes with knowing that you are not like everybody else, that you need a little pill or pills to be the best you you can be. It should be the case. That shame seems almost built-in. It stops you from doing something about your situation, it stops you from seeking help. It also stops you from talking to others about it. I suppose it's a bit of a stigma, like people will ask, you need a psychologist to survive, pills, you can't handle your own emotions! And a whole lot more, "you are stressed"!

Once overcome though, you know you need to share to help others.

It took a little miracle for me to realize what this condition was, I still wish the miracle had come many years earlier. God works to his timings not ours. I share my thoughts and feelings so you don't have to wait for a  miracle, get help.

Below I share some of the telltale signs that you may be depressed: I ignored mine for years, learnt to live with them. Sometimes I think part of the devastation one feels from depression comes from all the energy spent trying to look and sound ok for those around you. The British comedian Stephen Fry says he did a TV show once  and was laughing with everybody but inside he felt, I  just want kill myself. Here's that list:

DEPRESSION HATES THE FUTURE, with a passion. I think because one is in a depressed state, planning for the future becomes painful,  a trigger even. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years time? A popular "motivational" question becomes a taunt. If I could answer that when depressed I would tell you I can't see past today and you want me to play Nostradamus? A depressed person literally lives one day at a time.

DEPRESSION LOVES DARKNESS,  Literally. You just want to keep the curtains drawn, windows closed. With a reasonable supply of food, you don't  want to even venture outside. The retired British footballer, Stan Collymore, became an instant object of derision on the internet when he said he would  spend a couple of days indoors(curtains drawn) when depressed. Ignorant people think money solves everything and as  a well-to-do personality he had no reason to be suffering from clinical depression.

DEPRESSION HATES POSITIVE TALK, when depressed, every inch of you feels like a failure. A friend or family member might give a suggestion that you try something, change your job and all you feel is so they already see that I'm a failure. You resent them. Positive suggestions feel like pity, which in my case, I couldn't stand.

DEPRESSION HURTS, emotionally that it is. I've said to people that half the the time I walked around with and unending sense of loss. So you just feel emotionally hurt and drained all the time.

DEPRESSION HAS A VERY SHORT FUSE. Like me you may have built a very solid outward defense, a look that covers the turbulence you have inside. You are always on edge but you work so hard to let it not show, what helps you is you withdraw from people unconsciously so your underlying anger at everything and everyone keeps hidden. People bother you.  But when you do lose it, even you know it's beyond your control. You see red, literally,  and you shout down or even bully the poor shop attendant and demand to see their manager's  manager. Thing is, when calm, you always feel remorseful.

DEPRESSION LOVES RISKY BEHAVIOUR , Anything to feel just a little better than you currently feel. I've always had a soft spot for drug addicts and alcoholics. Not because I was ever one, but because I believe half of them got hooked onto their substance trying to escape their depressive state. Like I said it hurts and you are tempted to drown out the pain. My 'anti-depressant' of choice was alcohol. Had tragedy not intervened I shudder to think where I would be(the pain of a death in the family gave me the crisis I needed to make a change). If after taking your 'anti-depressant' you always engage in risky behaviour that you regret later, then your anti-depressant is masking something else, depression maybe. I don't know who said but I thought it's a wise observation: if you find you have a reason to drink then don't. Deal with the reason first.

DEPRESSION, LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND LACK OF SELF-CONFIDENCE  THRIVE TOGETHER. I don't really know which leads to which but I know that where they occur together any sense of self-worth is eroded. You feel you know nothing, are worth nothing and can do nothing about it. Except maybe end it all. I'm not a psychologist but I would bet my bottom dollar(or Rand) that all these stories of people wiping out their whole families and then themselves have all these three at the same time. Remember, desperate people do desperate things.

There are many things that depression does to  people, but the worst of them all is the inability to connect with your Maker,a spiritual drought. When your whole being knows that you have a caring God who wants only the best for you , it's easy to identify Depression as an illness apart from your being. But when you don't, depression can take away your last way out of your emotional hell, spiritual connectedness. So Now, unlike back then, when I feel far away from the Most High, I know it's time to start living each minute consciously, paying attention to the smallest detail, ensuring that tomorrow is different from today.

When Leaders Err

"The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office" said Dwight D. Eisenhower ages ago. Integrity: I've been taught it means who you are in private and in public is the same person, that you are a man or woman of your word. That's what Eisenhower said has to be unquestionable for you to be a real success as a leader.

I am sad and disappointed as I write this. Something happened this week that has left me feeling the course of the battle against corruption in our country has taken a major knock. The most vocal voice against urban e-tolling and government corruption  was compromised. His integrity shattered. His public persona is now questionable. Follow this link for details. (http://mg.co.za/article/2013-07-30-cosatu-may-still-proceed-with-rape-inquiry-against-vavi) Also, see these earlier blogs Thinking Critically and Begging for embarrassment to appreciate his place in South African society.

I would like to make it clear from the onset that  I do not wish to stand in judgement against Zwelinzima Vavi and the apparent sexual indiscretion that he is facing. The tabloids and social network banter have done enough of that. My beliefs do not allow me to stand in judgement. In fact, if I knew him personally, my beliefs dictate that I should offer him support that he doesn't lose his way further or  completely. What I wish to do here is  reflect on how a leader's faltering can compromise a whole cause.(Please note that His organization, COSATU, has withdrawn the internal disciplinary charges against him)

Back in the early 90's, as idealistic varsity students dreaming about a 'new South Africa' we always stressed the need for a very vocal, very active and vibrant civil society that would safeguard our victory after freedom was attained. We were worried that South Africa would go the way of most if not all recently liberated countries in Africa where democracy seemed to herald an era of unlimited looting of the country's resources. So we agreed that a vocal civil society would ensure that never happened. What was needed we said, was what is now referred to as active citizenry.

Democracy came in 1994 and Nelson Mandela became president. The moral high ground that had carried the country from the brink of a racial civil war seemed to permeate through all society and government. The need for that vocal and active citizenship  seemed to disappear. The world looked at us as the Miracle rainbow nation. We ourselves could hardly believe that we had looked into the eyes of the monster and survived. Our democracy was indeed a miracle.

Exit Mandela. Enter the arms deal. Rumours of corruption started doing the rounds. The  rumour mill had it that everyone, and that means  EVERYONE  in government had benefitted improperly from that deal, hence the reluctance on the part of government from pursuing the matter. If everyone was tainted, who could raise their voice in anger, who would protect the interests of the poor. Mind you, there was a subtle change in language during the early 2000s. Where we once called on 'the people' to govern, we now wanted to protect 'the poor', not the people anymore. 'The People' who had voted the government in were now 'the poor', to be 'protected', on whose behalf decisions could be made.

Enter Mr Zwelinzima Vavi and his Congress of South African Trade Unions(COSATU) . Those idealistic wishes that we had of an active civil society  seemed embodied in this man's approach to things. He led workers and 'the people' in this country to believe that they can stand up to corruption without fear. That when those who chose to defend 'the poor' failed them, the poor needn't feel voiceless, the poor can become 'the people' again and challenge their own leaders.

Many in government and the ruling party were obviously unhappy about Mr Vavi's spearheading a campaign against his own comrades, after all COSATU and the governing party are all part of the alliance that achieved democracy in this country. But here he was, ruffling feathers without fear and challenging those who had given themselves the role of defending the poor whilst stealing from them. Many in power wished he could be unseated, there were even death threats against him.

Then came the sexual revelations this weekend. Mr Vavi has, by his own admission, engaged in sex outside of his marriage.  I'm gutted, not because I placed my hope in an individual, no, but because that individual represents everything that is good in the 'new South Africa'. The hope that the poor, the people,  have a voice again. I could be wrong but I get the sense that a lot of people felt let down. To his credit he issued an immediate apology on Twitter. But the damage was done.

I was reminded of a recent retreat I attended where our Bishop reminded us that walking in our destiny requires vigilance. If necessary, put measures in place that will ensure that you are not robbed of that destiny by the kind of indiscretions that Mr Vavi finds himself in. It might  sound laughable and simplistic but a simple rule like compulsory open office doors at COSATU House would most probably  have saved our  most vibrant civil society leader from losing  his voice.

Unfortunately, once compromised, the moral authority goes. Your words ring hollow, people can choose not to listen. Your position remains but the authority goes. I don't know about  you, but for me your legacy too is compromised. I cannot remember Bill Clinton's major achievements without thinking of Monica, can you? Most of what I remember about his second term is him fighting a long battle against impeachment.

In fact, in this world that knows about forgiveness but does not know how to forgive an indiscretion such as this one can follow you for life. When Bill Clinton lent his wife a hand in her campaign against Obama a couple of years ago, the effects of the scandal were still there. Some even suggested he was costing her votes.


A few years ago when our current president was facing his own challenges of sexual indiscretions, Senzeni Jokwana of the National Union of Mineworkers said at a conference: “We are not Christians. We don’t listen to the 10 commandments and we don’t have to listen when Christians tell us adultery is wrong.” There was all-round applause from those in attendance.

What they failed to realize is that it's not only about being a Christian, it's about being a leader who is taken seriously. There are very few people who will follow a leader whose personal indiscretions will compromise their overall cause. After all, being a leader is about being more disciplined than the ordinary person. People are not judging you  when they are disappointed in your actions, it's more that they hold you to a higher standard, because you are their leader.

People, even those who are not Christians realize that sexual indiscretions not only hurt their cause but hurt the family members of those involved. Their children. Their spouses. Their closest friends and colleagues. There are real lives involved, and you as the leader have failed to protect those closest to you, what more of the whole cause?

So in the end, for the sake of the cause they represent, it's better to recognize that the Ten Commandments they are rejecting are the building block of any successful public life or cause for that matter. In any game there are rules, written and unwritten. In the leadership space the written rules that govern your integrity, and in the end, your effectiveness,  are the Ten Commandments, in whatever form you may choose to present them.

With his integrity sacrificed for close to nothing, Mr Vavi is left clutching at an elusive reputation. He is reported to have said "...we are looking at possible criminal charges(against his rape accuser) ...the damage done to our reputation and good standing... is beyond any material value". My feeling is that the reputation and good standing were damaged by none other than the person Mr Vavi sees when he stands in front of a mirror.

Again, the are murmurs of "Vavi's leadership has never been on morality, it is against corruption", says Irvin Jim of COSATU, a Vavi ally. This unfortunately displays a shortsightedness and poor understanding of leadership. I fail to see how you can divorce morality and integrity. How would a leader who has been shown to have poor judgement when it comes to private matters be able to exercise good judgement in public office?

Unfortunately, one unwritten rule of effective leadership is that public trust in you, once broken, can never be fully recovered. Trust and integrity are two sides of the same coin. People trust because they believe the person you present to the is the same person who goes home to his loving wife and family.

So what's the real damage you might ask. These were two consenting adults, the wife has forgiven him, who are we to meddle? Well let me tell you why. Every time something as huge as this occurs and you are tempted to think there are no real victims think again. Sometimes it seems there are no real victims because ALL of us are victims. Mr Vavi, the young woman,her family, his family,the public,the workers and the people/the poor . All victims. The weakening or silencing of that one voice leaves those wishing for his demise free to continue the feeding frenzy at the through of public funds unhindered.

It leaves a bitter taste in the mouth that in South African politics we are left to choose between leaders based on how less corrupt or compromised they are. "My leader, although accused,  was never convicted so he's better than yours!". Really, what happened to insisting on clean, trustworthy leadership? Leadership strong enough to say I'm not afraid of the Ten Commandments because I'm clean. Let's stop idolizing leaders who have been caught enriching themselves with public funds through tenders, have questionable integrity or think morality is a choice.

Let us continue working and striving for people with integrity to lead us. Our country and our children deserve better.