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That Was Then...

Today's blog is an attempt at a personal breakthrough. I've mentioned previously that clinical depression is a subject very close to my heart. Right now, as I write this blog, I'm feeling a bit down. Not because anything's happened. No, just feeling down, with the accompanying lump in the throat, I don't know why that happens but it does, the lump stays there, uncomfortable and almost painful.

I know what you might be thinking, a bit down, we all do from time to time, so what's special about your feeling down? Come on, get over it? Just think positively, say a few affirmations/confessions and all will be well. I'm afraid to disappoint you, I know how valuable I am to my family and others, I know God made me fearfully and wonderfully,  believe it or not, I'm trying really hard to think positive. The lump just seems to grow bigger, the mood darker. Like I'm fighting myself.

The difference between what I'm feeling and what everybody else might feel on their 'down' day is they may actually think themselves out of it, they probably have a reason for their down, someone DID or SAID something to get them feeling that way. But I just simply went into this 'mood' if you want to call it that. All by myself.

A few years ago before I knew what it was, this slight mood change would probably have led to  the start of a  downward spiral into a really dark place, truly resenting everyone and everything around me. I would start thinking about how things are looking so bad in my life. How I have failed myself and others. And yes, I mean, is it really worth it? This life thing, I mean.

That might sound just like some sort of emotional weakness or imbalance. Some people can just sleep it off and wake up feeling a whole lot better. You may even give yourself a little pep talk, one or two affirmations and you're on your way. Back to your good old self. Well, not me. Or anyone suffering from clinical depression for that matter.  If I attempted to sleep it off, I'd wake up where I was or even worse.

Just opening your eyes causes you to regret the day before it even starts. The heaviness becomes physical. It takes a real effort to be pleasant to anyone, even your wife and kids, my reasons for being alive. In fact, let me just wait till they've left for school before venturing out of the bedroom. The shoulders feel heavy, so you feel slumped and in your attempt not to give your mood away you make a real effort to not look hunched or defeated, and a sense of fear about anything you do or think of prevails. But you try, a joke on the car radio might elicit a little laugh from you. And do you  notice how everybody just wants to cut in front of you in the traffic, I mean really now?

Someone's indicating to change lanes just a little ahead of you. Indicate all you like but  I'm not giving way, no, never! Oops, I didn't say my morning prayers, maybe that's why. What difference will it make anyway, I'm so far down the road a prayer won't make a difference, I mean I  just swore back at that terrible driver a few seconds ago, I cannot be talking to God in the same breath. So no, I won't pray, not right now. Let me just get through this horrible day, maybe a little TV in the evening will do the trick, a soccer game maybe, yeah, that's a good idea, only, I have these twelve hours to kill before then. Why do I feel so afraid?

Everyone one at work is just on my case. Why won't people just do simple logical things, what's wrong with everybody today ? "You look so sad today, you stressed?", somebody asks with a little chuckle. "None of your business!" I retort,though I don't say it out loud. "Ag, just a little headache", I lie without flinching. Stress? What does he know about stress, the next person to say that to me is gonna get it, I swear. "Why are you so slow in serving us, don't you know about customer service?" says some gum-chewing, headphone wearing,  little teenager who's just discovered all about "my rights".  No you didn't just say that, No. Before you know it it's a screaming match, you are aware you are overreacting but you feel justified, she started this after all. What a nerve! And it's only nine o'clock in the morning.

You know what, that's it, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do today! I'm not. Trouble is, there is nothing you want to do. Nothing! Won't the day just end already. I hope I'll be able to watch the game in peace today, I mean it's the Champion's League final. They don't come any bigger than this but I have this feeling of fear that won't go away, even my gut feels upset, and this lump, this damn lump in my throat won't go away. Maybe some gospel music will lift me, if I could just get a little lift. But what, I don't drink anymore so what now! At least I made it home.

"We need to talk", she says in a playful way, unaware of the turbulence that you've had to keep a lid on the whole day. Your little piece of salvation is TV and now this! The Champions League final gets underway in three minutes, you just nod and nod and agree to make it all go away. I'm missing the game, what have I done to anybody, someone please tell me! My team's losing already, see if only I had watched the first half, like that would have made a difference!

Take those feelings and multiply them by a week, two weeks, a month, add regret about perceived past failures, financial instability and failing to connect spiritually. That's what it used to be like.

BUT THAT WAS THEN...

Now I know the lump in my throat signals a mood change for the negative. I listen out or look out for possible triggers. Am I anxious about my child, am I worried about slow business? What exactly is causing this? Half the time I can't pinpoint the trigger. But Now I  know, it's not who I am, it's simply a mood change. The fear is a result of that change in my body and mind, have I taken my little pills? I have, ok, this isn't the end of the road.

I don't need to listen to the radio when I drive home tonight, that kind of bad news I cannot handle, how about a Crefflo Dollar or Joyce Meyer podcast. That sounds ok. Oh, and because I know it's not me, I don't have to worry about the future or tomorrow. My mood tomorrow will probably be different, if it persists I'll see if I can't call a friend. Yes, that's a brilliant idea. In fact how about a run, damn I'm already looking forward to this evening, the TV can wait, I want to pound that tarred road, and I'm looking forward to reading that new book I bought... I can also spend a few minutes catching up with friends on Facebook.

And if that doesn't work I'll ask my clinical psychologist why, she just seems to have it all figured out, or at least she helps me figure it all out. She helps me to live. Yes, I'll ask her why when I see her, but I may already be ok and writing about it before I see her. I need my church cell group so much, to hear the Word. Oh, I've been asked to share the Word, my cell group leader thinks I can share. Isn't God wonderful? I see a broken me and he sees an instrument he can use. I'm looking forward to more of this, when I share, there's this confidence that I know doesn't come from me, but it's there, it makes me feel like I'm not a depression sufferer, no I'm not, I'm a survivor. I've survived it and lived to tell the story, and so can you.

And my personal breakthrough? Did I achieve it? I would like to think so. I just wrote a blog when every inch of me screamed No you can't do it. I've  never done it before, writing when I'm down, but I've done it now.  Hopefully my run this evening and some Word will set me right. I look forward to tomorrow.

There is a "shame" that comes with knowing that you are not like everybody else, that you need a little pill or pills to be the best you you can be. It should be the case. That shame seems almost built-in. It stops you from doing something about your situation, it stops you from seeking help. It also stops you from talking to others about it. I suppose it's a bit of a stigma, like people will ask, you need a psychologist to survive, pills, you can't handle your own emotions! And a whole lot more, "you are stressed"!

Once overcome though, you know you need to share to help others.

It took a little miracle for me to realize what this condition was, I still wish the miracle had come many years earlier. God works to his timings not ours. I share my thoughts and feelings so you don't have to wait for a  miracle, get help.

Below I share some of the telltale signs that you may be depressed: I ignored mine for years, learnt to live with them. Sometimes I think part of the devastation one feels from depression comes from all the energy spent trying to look and sound ok for those around you. The British comedian Stephen Fry says he did a TV show once  and was laughing with everybody but inside he felt, I  just want kill myself. Here's that list:

DEPRESSION HATES THE FUTURE, with a passion. I think because one is in a depressed state, planning for the future becomes painful,  a trigger even. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years time? A popular "motivational" question becomes a taunt. If I could answer that when depressed I would tell you I can't see past today and you want me to play Nostradamus? A depressed person literally lives one day at a time.

DEPRESSION LOVES DARKNESS,  Literally. You just want to keep the curtains drawn, windows closed. With a reasonable supply of food, you don't  want to even venture outside. The retired British footballer, Stan Collymore, became an instant object of derision on the internet when he said he would  spend a couple of days indoors(curtains drawn) when depressed. Ignorant people think money solves everything and as  a well-to-do personality he had no reason to be suffering from clinical depression.

DEPRESSION HATES POSITIVE TALK, when depressed, every inch of you feels like a failure. A friend or family member might give a suggestion that you try something, change your job and all you feel is so they already see that I'm a failure. You resent them. Positive suggestions feel like pity, which in my case, I couldn't stand.

DEPRESSION HURTS, emotionally that it is. I've said to people that half the the time I walked around with and unending sense of loss. So you just feel emotionally hurt and drained all the time.

DEPRESSION HAS A VERY SHORT FUSE. Like me you may have built a very solid outward defense, a look that covers the turbulence you have inside. You are always on edge but you work so hard to let it not show, what helps you is you withdraw from people unconsciously so your underlying anger at everything and everyone keeps hidden. People bother you.  But when you do lose it, even you know it's beyond your control. You see red, literally,  and you shout down or even bully the poor shop attendant and demand to see their manager's  manager. Thing is, when calm, you always feel remorseful.

DEPRESSION LOVES RISKY BEHAVIOUR , Anything to feel just a little better than you currently feel. I've always had a soft spot for drug addicts and alcoholics. Not because I was ever one, but because I believe half of them got hooked onto their substance trying to escape their depressive state. Like I said it hurts and you are tempted to drown out the pain. My 'anti-depressant' of choice was alcohol. Had tragedy not intervened I shudder to think where I would be(the pain of a death in the family gave me the crisis I needed to make a change). If after taking your 'anti-depressant' you always engage in risky behaviour that you regret later, then your anti-depressant is masking something else, depression maybe. I don't know who said but I thought it's a wise observation: if you find you have a reason to drink then don't. Deal with the reason first.

DEPRESSION, LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND LACK OF SELF-CONFIDENCE  THRIVE TOGETHER. I don't really know which leads to which but I know that where they occur together any sense of self-worth is eroded. You feel you know nothing, are worth nothing and can do nothing about it. Except maybe end it all. I'm not a psychologist but I would bet my bottom dollar(or Rand) that all these stories of people wiping out their whole families and then themselves have all these three at the same time. Remember, desperate people do desperate things.

There are many things that depression does to  people, but the worst of them all is the inability to connect with your Maker,a spiritual drought. When your whole being knows that you have a caring God who wants only the best for you , it's easy to identify Depression as an illness apart from your being. But when you don't, depression can take away your last way out of your emotional hell, spiritual connectedness. So Now, unlike back then, when I feel far away from the Most High, I know it's time to start living each minute consciously, paying attention to the smallest detail, ensuring that tomorrow is different from today.

When Leaders Err

"The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office" said Dwight D. Eisenhower ages ago. Integrity: I've been taught it means who you are in private and in public is the same person, that you are a man or woman of your word. That's what Eisenhower said has to be unquestionable for you to be a real success as a leader.

I am sad and disappointed as I write this. Something happened this week that has left me feeling the course of the battle against corruption in our country has taken a major knock. The most vocal voice against urban e-tolling and government corruption  was compromised. His integrity shattered. His public persona is now questionable. Follow this link for details. (http://mg.co.za/article/2013-07-30-cosatu-may-still-proceed-with-rape-inquiry-against-vavi) Also, see these earlier blogs Thinking Critically and Begging for embarrassment to appreciate his place in South African society.

I would like to make it clear from the onset that  I do not wish to stand in judgement against Zwelinzima Vavi and the apparent sexual indiscretion that he is facing. The tabloids and social network banter have done enough of that. My beliefs do not allow me to stand in judgement. In fact, if I knew him personally, my beliefs dictate that I should offer him support that he doesn't lose his way further or  completely. What I wish to do here is  reflect on how a leader's faltering can compromise a whole cause.(Please note that His organization, COSATU, has withdrawn the internal disciplinary charges against him)

Back in the early 90's, as idealistic varsity students dreaming about a 'new South Africa' we always stressed the need for a very vocal, very active and vibrant civil society that would safeguard our victory after freedom was attained. We were worried that South Africa would go the way of most if not all recently liberated countries in Africa where democracy seemed to herald an era of unlimited looting of the country's resources. So we agreed that a vocal civil society would ensure that never happened. What was needed we said, was what is now referred to as active citizenry.

Democracy came in 1994 and Nelson Mandela became president. The moral high ground that had carried the country from the brink of a racial civil war seemed to permeate through all society and government. The need for that vocal and active citizenship  seemed to disappear. The world looked at us as the Miracle rainbow nation. We ourselves could hardly believe that we had looked into the eyes of the monster and survived. Our democracy was indeed a miracle.

Exit Mandela. Enter the arms deal. Rumours of corruption started doing the rounds. The  rumour mill had it that everyone, and that means  EVERYONE  in government had benefitted improperly from that deal, hence the reluctance on the part of government from pursuing the matter. If everyone was tainted, who could raise their voice in anger, who would protect the interests of the poor. Mind you, there was a subtle change in language during the early 2000s. Where we once called on 'the people' to govern, we now wanted to protect 'the poor', not the people anymore. 'The People' who had voted the government in were now 'the poor', to be 'protected', on whose behalf decisions could be made.

Enter Mr Zwelinzima Vavi and his Congress of South African Trade Unions(COSATU) . Those idealistic wishes that we had of an active civil society  seemed embodied in this man's approach to things. He led workers and 'the people' in this country to believe that they can stand up to corruption without fear. That when those who chose to defend 'the poor' failed them, the poor needn't feel voiceless, the poor can become 'the people' again and challenge their own leaders.

Many in government and the ruling party were obviously unhappy about Mr Vavi's spearheading a campaign against his own comrades, after all COSATU and the governing party are all part of the alliance that achieved democracy in this country. But here he was, ruffling feathers without fear and challenging those who had given themselves the role of defending the poor whilst stealing from them. Many in power wished he could be unseated, there were even death threats against him.

Then came the sexual revelations this weekend. Mr Vavi has, by his own admission, engaged in sex outside of his marriage.  I'm gutted, not because I placed my hope in an individual, no, but because that individual represents everything that is good in the 'new South Africa'. The hope that the poor, the people,  have a voice again. I could be wrong but I get the sense that a lot of people felt let down. To his credit he issued an immediate apology on Twitter. But the damage was done.

I was reminded of a recent retreat I attended where our Bishop reminded us that walking in our destiny requires vigilance. If necessary, put measures in place that will ensure that you are not robbed of that destiny by the kind of indiscretions that Mr Vavi finds himself in. It might  sound laughable and simplistic but a simple rule like compulsory open office doors at COSATU House would most probably  have saved our  most vibrant civil society leader from losing  his voice.

Unfortunately, once compromised, the moral authority goes. Your words ring hollow, people can choose not to listen. Your position remains but the authority goes. I don't know about  you, but for me your legacy too is compromised. I cannot remember Bill Clinton's major achievements without thinking of Monica, can you? Most of what I remember about his second term is him fighting a long battle against impeachment.

In fact, in this world that knows about forgiveness but does not know how to forgive an indiscretion such as this one can follow you for life. When Bill Clinton lent his wife a hand in her campaign against Obama a couple of years ago, the effects of the scandal were still there. Some even suggested he was costing her votes.


A few years ago when our current president was facing his own challenges of sexual indiscretions, Senzeni Jokwana of the National Union of Mineworkers said at a conference: “We are not Christians. We don’t listen to the 10 commandments and we don’t have to listen when Christians tell us adultery is wrong.” There was all-round applause from those in attendance.

What they failed to realize is that it's not only about being a Christian, it's about being a leader who is taken seriously. There are very few people who will follow a leader whose personal indiscretions will compromise their overall cause. After all, being a leader is about being more disciplined than the ordinary person. People are not judging you  when they are disappointed in your actions, it's more that they hold you to a higher standard, because you are their leader.

People, even those who are not Christians realize that sexual indiscretions not only hurt their cause but hurt the family members of those involved. Their children. Their spouses. Their closest friends and colleagues. There are real lives involved, and you as the leader have failed to protect those closest to you, what more of the whole cause?

So in the end, for the sake of the cause they represent, it's better to recognize that the Ten Commandments they are rejecting are the building block of any successful public life or cause for that matter. In any game there are rules, written and unwritten. In the leadership space the written rules that govern your integrity, and in the end, your effectiveness,  are the Ten Commandments, in whatever form you may choose to present them.

With his integrity sacrificed for close to nothing, Mr Vavi is left clutching at an elusive reputation. He is reported to have said "...we are looking at possible criminal charges(against his rape accuser) ...the damage done to our reputation and good standing... is beyond any material value". My feeling is that the reputation and good standing were damaged by none other than the person Mr Vavi sees when he stands in front of a mirror.

Again, the are murmurs of "Vavi's leadership has never been on morality, it is against corruption", says Irvin Jim of COSATU, a Vavi ally. This unfortunately displays a shortsightedness and poor understanding of leadership. I fail to see how you can divorce morality and integrity. How would a leader who has been shown to have poor judgement when it comes to private matters be able to exercise good judgement in public office?

Unfortunately, one unwritten rule of effective leadership is that public trust in you, once broken, can never be fully recovered. Trust and integrity are two sides of the same coin. People trust because they believe the person you present to the is the same person who goes home to his loving wife and family.

So what's the real damage you might ask. These were two consenting adults, the wife has forgiven him, who are we to meddle? Well let me tell you why. Every time something as huge as this occurs and you are tempted to think there are no real victims think again. Sometimes it seems there are no real victims because ALL of us are victims. Mr Vavi, the young woman,her family, his family,the public,the workers and the people/the poor . All victims. The weakening or silencing of that one voice leaves those wishing for his demise free to continue the feeding frenzy at the through of public funds unhindered.

It leaves a bitter taste in the mouth that in South African politics we are left to choose between leaders based on how less corrupt or compromised they are. "My leader, although accused,  was never convicted so he's better than yours!". Really, what happened to insisting on clean, trustworthy leadership? Leadership strong enough to say I'm not afraid of the Ten Commandments because I'm clean. Let's stop idolizing leaders who have been caught enriching themselves with public funds through tenders, have questionable integrity or think morality is a choice.

Let us continue working and striving for people with integrity to lead us. Our country and our children deserve better.

Silencing your little voice(s)

Last week, in an exchange with a newly met friend on Facebook, I let slip that I had not explored writing before because of a small little voice in my head that always asked me: "Who do you think will read your stuff?". It got me every time. This little voice always waited for me to have a new and exciting idea before it reared its ugly head. Like the one time I wanted to take up running a couple of years ago, it simply asked me if I knew anybody in my family who ran. I was stumped. Got me again. I could never win  against this ugly little voice. I know what you are thinking, why didn't you just ignore it, I ignore mine all the time. Or as some people would say, I don't have strange voices in my head telling me what to do or what not to do. You do, but you may be part of the blessed section of the population that has a positive little voice, one that tells you nothing is impossible, that you are always in charge and you are the captain of your own fate.

Let me start with a disclaimer before going any further, I am not a psychologist or trained as such. What I'm going to share here is based on my own life experiences, what scientists would refer to as anecdotal evidence. The reason I want to share this is because over the past year or so I have come to learn that the little voice I referred to above may actually be so much a part of you that you cannot overcome it without either the help of others or without accepting its presence.

We all  know that as children the adults around us put a lot of things in our heads. Things that should have been preparing us for successful adulthood. Some adults are just plain mean or bitter and put things in those innocent little heads that should be punishable by a jail sentence. Some adults just don't know any better. So they poison the little minds along with their little spirits. Unfortunately, in some cases, our emotional make-up is such that we internalize the negative to such an extent that the little voice in your head only makes sense when it's talking negative.Also, in certain cases, such as mine, the little voice is able to take a negative comment or experience and magnifies it such that it overshadows everything else. This little voice can grow so big it can form a couple of other little voices like itself. A committee if you like (Martha Beck's invention not mine).  Before you know it you cannot do anything new without consulting it even though you know the answer will be negative. And it grows more powerful still, it reinforces every answer it gives you with evidence. Real-life evidence. So you want to take up running, it says. Remember you were always last in your school runs? The humiliation you felt inside, the laughing classmates, really? Do you want to go through that again? Nine times out of ten you'll back down. Or at least I did.

That little voice can actually be the most cruel voice you know. It's one thing to be dissuaded from doing something new by evidence from your past but it's quite another for that little voice to agree with all the negative people you've ever met. Those mean relatives who told you it's ok that you can't do something because you are not the same as everybody, the teacher who asked you why you think you could ever be a pilot, that boss who asked why you are  interested in career planning, do you want my job one day? The little voice that says each one of those people were right, I mean look at you, you can never do anything right. That's just plain cruel.

Perhaps the cruelest thing it  can say to you is every success you have achieved could be achieved by just about anyone, so yes, forget it, you're not special. You got an A+ in that test, it was a fluke. You're in the top ten of your class at school, wait till your final exams they'll sort you out! Oh you passed, with a distinction? Varsity will show you. And sure enough in your first term of varsity you fail that crucial test, disaster! That little voice was right after all. What was I thinking? What made me think that I could defy 'my' little voice, it's been right all along.

I read or heard somewhere that 'my' little voice is referred to as my "generalized other" in psychology, an audience that you have that you are always aiming to please, or failing to please. The thing is, this generalized other is part of you, part of your make-up as a person and until you learn to answer back when it talks you are in for a very sad ride this side of heaven.

I'm learning to deal with my little committee of voices one day at a time. One warm day in January last year I laced up my  three-year old running shoes, which still looked new  because they'd been underused. My little voice said are you really going to do this? I said yes but only in the evening when nobody's watching. I ran and after about 500metres I stopped, my chest was burning, those five or six strangers that I ran past were  looking or watching I thought, I continued walking and started running again after a short rest. More burning in the chest. The little voice said I told you so, I deliberately ignored it and continued. That evening I did about five kilometers. The following day every muscle that could hurt in my body did hurt and the little committee of voices seemed to be celebrating in my head.I ignored them and  followed that run with another run two days later. I subscribed to a running magazine and started referring to myself as a runner, at least in my head.I bought Tim Noakes' Lore of running.  My little voice was cowed, for probably the first time in my life I could send it running for cover. Three months later I did my first 10k race and I haven't looked back.

The trick that I've discovered is I need to actively talk back to it. To do that I need to to be aware of it. This little voice is so crafty it can talk to you in whispers, especially if it thinks it's found its own little corner in your being. So I'm finding I have to consciously work at replacing it. Yes, it's possible. Otherwise I would not be telling you about the eight half marathons and a full marathon that I've completed since talking back to that cruel little voice  in January 2012. And when it said my first 10k race was a fluke, I was driven to do more, to run further. Instead of wanting to go back to my childhood and confronting all those adults and my former bosses, I get back at them by talking back to this little voice. I enjoy taunting it, ok maybe that's a little bit more information that you need right there but yes it's possible to overcome it. I'm still a work in progress. There are still numerous little members of that committee of voices that I need to confront.

Like the ones that keep telling  me that celebrating my birthday is perhaps just a little too inwardly focused. Those little voices made it impossible to enjoy simple things like birthday gifts or even compliments. If like me, you feel every compliment you receive is undeserved, and people  are being insincere when they compliment you then perhaps it's time you started talking back to your own little voice. Tell it, like I do, that you are  special because God says you are. I

It's a journey that I've started and know I must see to the end. I have no idea what the end looks like but I know the only voice in my head will be that of God telling me I did well in replacing that committee of voices with his. I end this with a Facebook status update that I made earlier this month. This status update represented me silencing yet another member of that little committee of voices , the one that kept me from writing, the one that asked me: "who do you think will read your stuff?": Thank you so much for reading this far, you just helped me put that little devil to flight!

That Facebook status update:

I got back on the road last week after a long break of running. Damn, I missed the feeling. Yesterday, I started thinking about why I run in the first place.When I run, I get to know that I am more than the world has led me to believe. More than anybody can declare me to be. See, there's a person that God intended for each one of us  to be. A person not afraid of anything or anyone, rather, one looking to live life, and live it "more abundantly". After six or seven kilometers on  a good run, that person comes out and takes over my being. He's free from fear, he dares the distance to come at him and he knows he can be anything he wants or desires to be. At that time, I know that God lives and I'm praising him through my running. The run, in essence, becomes an exercise in praise. For me, every run still represents a triumph over everything and everyone who ever thought I cannot achieve more than they set out for me. The most amazing thing is that in conquering ever-increasing distance I become bolder, with my body and intellect knowing that I can run further. Whilst the mind knows there is a limit to how much more I can cover in terms of distance, my being, that's the inner me, the real me enters a realm where anything becomes possible. That is the realm of  possibility not based on what anyone else  thinks or wishes, rather based on what I've achieved in a field I never even thought possible. From zero to 42,2km in fourteen months. My Redeemer lives.

(Phew! I can write, and a few kind people read my stuff. What more do you have to say for yourself? Never mind this, it's just me talking back to that little voice)

The Power To Change lives

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” There are times when I think Nelson Mandela had me in mind when he uttered those words. No, it's not because I think he knows me personally, I wish he did, it's because like most people alive in the world today, it has always been a struggle for me to accept that I matter, that my contribution matters, that my opinions matter. As Nelson Mandela turns 95 today, I've taken some time to reflect on this particular quote which I first came across fifteen years ago on a laboratory desk of a colleague.

The United Nations has seen fit to declare the icon's birthday an International Mandela day, and we are urged to contribute a minimum of 67 minutes to making a difference in someone else's life. I'm ashamed to say when this initiative started a number of years ago, I was one of those people who asked the question, so you give 67 minutes of your time and then what? My world was only in black and white then. Either you did something that made a permanent difference in someone else's life or you did nothing. My logic was, you make soup for a couple of people less fortunate than yourself on Nelson Mandela day and who makes them the soup the following day when you've gone back to your more fortunate life.  It never occurred to me then that someone else could choose to make a lasting difference on that day. I looked at how inadequate my contribution would be, forgetting the light that's been placed inside of me, that on this day I can choose to reach into that power that's beyond measure inside of me.

The year has 365 days, and on any given day someone somewhere in the world wakes up asking themselves the question: where will my next meal come from today? By choosing to offer a meal to someone less fortunate than yourself today, you've answered that question for that person and perhaps given them hope that someone else will provide for them on the other 364 days of the year. In other words, you've given more than a meal, you've given them hope. You've let that special light that's on the inside of you shine, and as you did  that, you  gave another person reason to let their own light shine.

Nelson Mandela represents so many different things to different people. So many times in his life he could have chosen to let fear hold him back, he could have chosen to play small and not let his light shine on the world. But he chose to liberate himself from that fear and as a result liberate the rest of us from our own fears. It's in our small little actions, done when nobody is looking that we can change the course of an entire life. I know of people who have chosen to give blood today, something they've never done before. That's the sort of power that Nelson Mandela refers to in the opening quote , that we are powerful beyond measure.

No one understands the power that lies within each one of us better than Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani girl  who was shot on the left side of her forehead by the Taliban in October 2012(for daring to advocate for education for all girls). Without getting into the politics of it all, if such a little girl can stand on a platform as huge as the United Nations and tell the world that she is not afraid of the guns that shot her, that all she wants are educational  opportunities to be afforded to every little girl in the world, no matter where they are because she has come to learn that the pen is mightier, that when you have to use violence to promote or protect your way of thinking then you are the coward, then you and I can do much better. See a transcript of her speech on this link: https://secure.aworldatschool.org/page/content/the-text-of-malala-yousafzais-speech-at-the-united-nations/

In the speech, she has acknowledged Nelson Mandela and Gandhi amongst others as leaders who have left her a legacy of compassion and nonviolence. More than anything though, Malala has learned that own fears stand in the way of allowing her to shine and thus liberating others. She has said she wants the same educational opportunities she's now receiving in the UK to be afforded to the sons and daughters of the people who shot her.

My greatest wish is that one of those children, the ones whose fathers are carrying out these atrocities will hear of Malala's courage and then know that they too are as powerful as she is and take a decision to live in the belief that they are powerful enough to change the world, one person at a time.

You and I may not have the platform of the United Nations like Malala, but we have an opportunity starting this Nelson Mandela Day to touch a life less fortunate than ours and perhaps inspire hope and allow that person to tap into their own power.


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LET IT SLIDE

LET IT SLIDE....

There are few things in South Africa as emotive as the subject of racism. It's one of those topics that you want to be very careful about where and how you bring it up because it has the potential to degenerate into those below the belt exchanges, with insults traded freely. That said, I believe the only way forward for our country is to talk these sort of issues out in a very mature way, playing the ball at all times, and not the man(or woman).

A couple of weeks ago I went to a jewelry shop to have an old watch seen to, it had what they call a lifetime guarantee, silly if you believe that lifetime stuff like I did. I got to the door of this shop in a bustling mall and was confronted by a locked security gate, with the glass doors open. I waited by the gate to be noticed until a middle aged black lady shouted from behind the counter, "how can we help you, our gate doesn't open?" Stunned, I tried best as I could to explain the reason I was there without attracting the attention of fellow shoppers who were going past behind me. It was difficult to do this without appearing to shout. She said something about "lifetime no longer applies, you'll have to try next door" but made no effort to come closer to the security gate or opening it. I was getting indignant by then and on realizing this she simply moved out of view. It's very difficult to stay mad at an empty shop so I went on my way.

It was in talking to the shop assistant in the next jewelry shop that I discovered that this particular shop had been hit by robbers several times this year already. I happened to fit the 'profile' of the robbers: African/black, male, young(ok, I'm not so young anymore), and neatly dressed( I try, sometimes). So the staff had been instructed not to open for those that meet the profile. Would you call that profiling racist? At first look it is, and I was suitably indignant and would have blown my fuse had I not chosen to put myself in their shoes. Looking at things from their perspective, and having been a victim of violent robberies before, I realized that given a chance I would have implemented a similar policy myself, until I could come up with a better one. South Africa's demographics mean that the profile of its criminals will remain largely black and male, until the conditions that necessitate that change.


The second example is one I'm sure some of you have encountered. My wife and I  arrived our medical specialist, who for the purposes of this piece I'll label as white, we were flashed one of those elastic smiles by the white secretary behind the desk and we went  about explaining the reason for our  visit. Polite enough. Later on, when we needed assistance with a letter, the secretary explained that the doctor has "put everything in that letter". I politely disagreed and this seemed to anger the poor secretary. She "threatened": "would you like me to call the doctor?", with a look that said "surely you don't want that". I indicated that I would appreciate it if she did that. She left her chair in a huff and came back with the doctor conversing in Afrikaans, which I have nothing against except education wise  I'm post '76 like that, and my Afrikaans is almost nonexistent. I don't mind anybody using any language except if it involves me, but I let that slide. The doctor asked abruptly "What's your problem?". Now, I could have sunk to a level that responds on instincts or maintained a level of politeness that would save us all from an ugly exchange. I responded that there was no problem except for a little change that we required to be made to the letter he had given us. He made the change in two seconds and and handed the letter back. The secretary stayed mad and looked betrayed. See, given where we come from as a country, there are so many points in the conversation that I could have played that "card": Are you being like that because I'm like this? But an second thought, I had already achieved what I wanted tbecause whilst I can't be sure that someone else of a different race would have been treated differently, I knew that what the secretary had wanted to achieve had failed so again I let it slide.

Given our history as a country it's very easy to take offense at the smallest things, screaming racism. I always take solace from the words of Bantu Steve Biko who maintained that a person without power cannot be a racist because, save for attitude, what can they do with their prejudice? Nothing.

The last scenario I'll present is one I'm sure all of you have come across at one point or another. My family certainly has. You are at the till paying for your groceries and are getting nothing but attitude from the cashier. I'm from an era where we consciously went out of our way to give respect to a person based not on what they do but simply because they are, they exist. Add onto that the fact that most menial jobs are done by black people because of our history and demographics, it became doubly important for me not to make people doing those jobs feel more inferior than their job already makes them feel. So, when you get this cashier who goes on like they are doing you a favour, the temptation is there to want to tell them off. Especially given the fact that the attitude you are receiving is not displayed to all customers, but it's black-on-black, for lack of a better description. Again, this can typically descend into one of those distasteful exchanges if you, the recipient of the attitude are not careful.

In all the examples I chose above, the potential was always there for me to play the victim, claiming "I'm treated like this because I'm black", which would most certainly be true in most cases. But my point here is, those are small battles. I say reserve your energy and respect for the bigger larger battles. Battles where people use your skin colour, black or white, to keep you in a subservient role. What I find amazing is that South Africans of all races use social networks to trade insults. Go to any website that allows for comments and at some point , the discussion will degenerate into  an ugly exchange about race, nothing related to the topic at hand. One of the greatest tributes we can pay to the father of our nation, Nelson Mandela, as he lies in hospital is to think before becoming involved in a pointless exchange about race and reserving our energies to "fight against black domination and white domination", a cause he chose to dedicate his life to. If it's not worth it, let it slide.....

Life is a team sport

LIFE IS A TEAM SPORT


"Genuine friends are rare treasures. However, the Lord created us for meaningful relationships; it’s difficult to flourish if we live in isolation. By design, we are made to share life with others, as well as to give and receive love".

Sounds like one of those cheesy Hallmark cards doesn't it? The kind that you find on those cards that make you wonder: "who buys these?". Well, I'm glad to tell you it isn't one of those. The above passage comes from a devotional by Dr Charles Stanley, Senior Pastor of the First Baptist Church in Atlanta. He's in his eighties now so even if you don't really like his sermons, believe them because he has lived them.

He goes on to say: "Surface friendships don’t satisfy this need. But unfortunately, many people never experience anything deeper. This is why so many individuals are lonely--even if they’re always surrounded by others."

We live in a world that values the fleeting friendship, where I can "friend" you just as easily as I can "unfriend". A concept I have found so difficult to come to terms with. I spent many years avoiding social media like Facebook because I felt they encourage those kind of relationships, the fleeting kind. Unfortunately we are surrounded by technological gadgets that improve are lives in so many ways but can also lead to a deep and devastating anti-social kind of life that hampers our development and restricts the joy that we are meant to derive from our walk here on earth.

"Self-sufficiency is prized in the world, but it isn’t God’s design for His children", that man, Dr Stanley again. Let me take you on a bit of a personal journey. Until recently, up until a year and a half ago, I consciously and unconsciously withdrew myself from all forms of friendships. Just to give you a clue, through my walk in life I have not kept in touch with any of the people I met through my school years, primary school, high school and even university. I can hear those of you that know me saying hold on a minute here, we know you have friends, where do they come from? I'll come back to that a little later. Here's my point, I have interacted with a lot of amazing people in my life. Men and women who, when I look back, would have contributed richly to my journey in life. But I have managed to work them all out of my life. It's not an easy thing to do, but it's doable. In medical circles it's called social withdrawal. When I first read that term I had pictures of someone refusing to attend a "social function", like a school reunion or something. But having lived it I know it goes deeper than that.

Without realizing it you "avoid" people you know in situations where you shouldn't. Where people club together because they know each other, you unconsciously choose to associate with "new" people. The associations you form with the new people are not deep, they are fleeting, and you form more of these kinds of friendships as you go along, and by the end of your high school or varsity you realize that you have no compelling reason to get in touch with any of those people, because no lasting bonds were formed. You move into a work situation and form new "friendships". Again, you form fleeting ones. You hang out together having fun activities but that's just it. You know when the going gets tough, there's no one amongst those "friends" you can call on. But life goes on and you appear to be having a normal life. You think to yourself, I'm a self-sufficient man, why do I really need all these people for?

It then extends to family to. You have family around you, parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, the lot. But you don't really have intimate relationships with any of them. You keep a world of your own, one which allows you to make up your own rules, you take offense without letting it show, you keep grudges without appearing bitter. Soon you are convinced there's a conspiracy against you(by people you love), and before you know it, you conclude everyone has it in for you. Family and all. In my case I was convinced my dad had it in for me. Why? I don't know. Your boss too, or even your partner. So inside, you keep wishing you could "escape it all". Either get a job so far away from everyone or live so far away from "them" all. All this whilst appearing to interact normally with each one of them. I didn't succeed in getting the job in Durban or Cape Town, I came pretty close. But I succeeded in keeping everyone at more than an arm's length.


Life being life doesn't really give you the the chance to be successful at being self-sufficient. It throws you the curve balls that it throws at everybody. Only, you don't have the luxury of turning to genuine friends for help and comfort. You cannot turn to family because you think they don't understand you or your world. So you feel so alone in the world, yet you are surrounded by people. Lonely, but not alone. And you hit a brick wall. What you decide to do is anyone's guess.


So, back to why I'm taking you down this depressing road. I'm living with clinical depression. I've lived with it all my life without knowing it. Last year, it was finally diagnosed and I'm on treatment for it. It hasn't cost me only in terms of friendships but a whole lot more, a rich and fulfilling life. The reason I'm telling you this is because I feel if I had known about it much earlier in my life I could have had it treated earlier. So, I have this insatiable need to tell others about it. Like a life mission. To let others know that it's not normal to think life is a solo venture. You need friends in your life, genuine friends. (So, as I blog, I will keep coming back to the theme of clinical depression because it's one very close to my heart).

So in the past year and a half I have consciously started cultivating genuine friendships in addition to the e few people whom I could not get rid of during the dark years. Genuine friends who don't care that I shut them out, lied to them and misled them. I don't have to mention them, they know themselves and for them I'm eternally grateful.Thank you. I now consciously interact with people, befriend people and am slowly going back where I can, reconnecting with those that once played a meaningful role in my life but had become casualties of my condition.

Dr Charles Stanley asks the question: "Do you have someone with whom to share your joys and sadnesses, strengths and weaknesses, fears and pain? Thankfully, Jesus is the best friend we can have. But He also desires that we have close relationships with others. What can you do today to build this type of friendship?"

My question to you is a bit extreme and this is deliberate. People don't readily agree that  something like this could happen to them but if you read this far you might as well answer the question: If life was to throw you a curveball today, and it hit you so bad that you thought life was not worth living, do you have a person that you know you can call, and they would not judge you, or ridicule you or call you faithless? If you don't, start working on it today, life is a team sport.